There are few more classic winter traditions than deciding at the peak of the season — you know, when the weather is gloomy, the sun seems to set roughly 40 minutes after you wake up, and you barely possess the energy required to microwave a plate of pizza rolls — that the time is exactly right to finally achieve every goal you’ve ever had.

In fact, the only more enduring tradition might be immediately failing at said goals. Or, at least, that’s the case for me. I’m a constant New Year’s resolution maker, and a constant New Year’s resolution failer. Whether I’m pledging to take up strength training, learn French, or start writing my novel (so that I can eventually pledge to finish writing my novel), I’ve pretty much never met a New Year’s resolution that I didn’t drop like . . . well, like the kettlebells that I bought for my New Year’s 2021 resolution (currently propping up a stack of books).

Obviously, not following through with New Year’s resolutions isn’t a problem that will ruin anyone’s life. Nor is it uncommon. As far back as the 19th century, people were writing about people making, and breaking, New Year’s resolutions.

And yet, I still felt bad about my apparent lack of stick-to-it-iveness. My New Year’s resolutions were usually projections of my ideal self — someone highly motivated, with a lot of focus and follow-through (i.e. not the person I am the other 364 days of the year). Whenever I failed yet again to transform into that person, I felt like a loser. I couldn’t believe I couldn’t make myself into a Kettlebell Person, and I thought it represented an obvious failure on my part.

According to Chicago therapist Kelly Neupert, LPC, a lot of New Year’s resolution success hinges on why you made the resolution to begin with. “If shame or fear is driving your goal, it’s unlikely to actually move the needle,” Neupert says. “It’s hard to want to do something when you’re sh*tting on yourself while doing it.”

That was exactly me. Even though making my resolutions felt like an act of hope, in the back of my mind, I was constantly thinking that this would be the year I would finally get it together, which, frankly, is a very negative approach. What’s making me think I’m not together already?